Sibling Rivalry

Whilst siblings having moments or periods of not getting on is normal, when this escalates to sibling rivalry, it can become a challenging situation for parents to navigate.Sibling rivalry is referred to by the scope of ongoing competition, jealousy, and conflict between brothers and sisters, often driven by a desire for parental attention, resources, or power. When sibling rivalry escalates to ongoing challenge or hostility, it requires attention to define what is underneath it. Whilst parents will expect their children to have moments of disengagement or conflict, when sibling rivalry is ongoing, it can begin to have a detrimental impact on the parents, children and household.

Sibling rivalry can be seen in behaviours such as:

• Physical altercations – poking, hitting, pushing stealing toys, throwing things at one another, hiding something that is important to the other one, hurting a sibling
• Harmful behaviours – intentionally breaking toys or belongings of sibling, stealing belongings of sibling, threats to hurt or harm
• Emotional responses – jealousy, staring or looking at each other to gain a reaction, regressive behaviours, withdrawn, attention seeking
• Competition/jealousy – One-upmanship, such as competing over grades or abilities, and jealousy over parental attention or achievements
• Reactionary behaviours – persistent demands for attention, controlling parent behaviours

Sibling rivalry is usually not caused by siblings “disliking each other.” It is most often a protest about unmet needs, perceived threat, attachment threats, competition, nervous system dysregulation, or family system dynamics. Children are biologically wired to seek caregiver closeness because closeness creates
safety. If attention feels limited, children may compete for it. In recent years, family-based research has broadened to consider sibling relationships under a new lens. This includes recognising the role of the fear of being replaced, a survival instinct, insecure attachments and competition for resources (attention, affection, time etc) as factors influencing sibling rivalry.

Children are biologically wired to seek caregiver closeness through attachment behaviours,
because closeness creates internal safety. If attention feels limited, children may compete for it, looking for:

• affection
• praise
• time
• physical closeness
• emotional availability
• reassurance or approval
• being “the good one”
• being “the funny one”
• being “the one who needs help”

Holding a message: “Notice me. Don’t forget me. I need to know I still matter.”

Sibling rivalry is instigated by a threat to attachment. Intense rivalry is activated by a child’s unconscious fear that a sibling will diminish or replace their access to parental attention, love, safety or protection. If children feel their attachment is threatened, rivalry rises.

• divorce / separation
• parental conflict
• grief
• mental health difficulties in parent
• illness
• inconsistent parenting
• work stress / emotionally
• unavailable caregiving
• new baby
• blended families / stepfamilies

Children’s inner needs may ask:

• “Am I still safe?”
• “Do I still belong?”
• “Am I equally loved?”