Why emotional capacity matters

We often talk about emotional literacy and regulation, but less often about emotional capacity. 

Emotional literacy – Emotional literacy is the ability to recognise, understand, name and express emotions in oneself and others.

Emotional regulation – Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy and flexible way.

Emotional capacity – Emotional capacity relates to a person’s ability to tolerate, process, and hold emotional experiences without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Frequently, we can confuse emotional literacy and capacity, finding it difficult to navigate the difference between someone having good emotional literacy, but at times, struggling to manage their feelings. 

Our emotional capacity relates to the size of the emotional “window” or the level of tolerance that someone has for feelings. This can include their capacity to cope with someone else’s feelings. 

Starting in early childhood

Emotional capacity begins to develop in early childhood. It is related to the level of emotional attunement that we received from our parents and caregivers. When our caregivers noticed our emotions, responded sensitively to our feelings and helped us to regulate through difficult feelings such as distress we learn to develop emotional capacity. These actions mean that children  learn that emotions are safe, tolerable, and manageable. That they do not have to be scared of them. 

Emotional capacity is  linked to nervous system regulation. Children with a well-supported nervous system can stay within their “window of tolerance” when things are stressful, are able to process emotional experiences and can recover from stress more easily.

However, if our caregivers are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent in their approach and responsiveness, are dismissive of our emotion or use fear to manage our feelings, they create and unpredictable environment where children can learn that emotions are dangerous, overwhelming, are something to be ashamed of, or must be suppressed.

Where this happens, children develop low emotional tolerance and can become emotionally flooded and overwhelmed by their own feelings, and the feelings of others.

Where someone has low emotional capacity, their  nervous system becomes overwhelmed easily and they enter fight, flight, freeze or fawn more quickly. Those individuals with a narrow window often have lower emotional capacity because intense emotions push them quickly into overwhelm or shutdown.

Supportive environments

For children to develop emotional capacity, they need environments where emotions are welcomed, contained, and supported rather than judged, shamed or shut down. This means that we create safe spaces to allow children to experience feelings without becoming overwhelmed, which supports them to slowly  increase their ability to tolerate and process emotions.

1. Respond to emotions with curiosity – When adults respond to feelings with curiosity, children learn that emotions are acceptable and understandable, not something to hide.

2. Name and validate feelings – Many children experience big emotions but lack the vocabulary to understand them. When adults support children to expand their emotional vocabulary and understanding so that they can learn to name feelings, children begin to organise and process their emotional experiences more confidently. 

3. Offer co-regulation – Children develop emotional capacity through co-regulation before self-regulation. When adults remain calm and supportive during big emotions, a child’s nervous system can settle through connection. The child can hijack the adult nervous system to feel safer. 

4. Allow space for feelings without rushing to move them away – Children need permission to feel emotions without pressure to “fix” them. When adults rush children to calm down, cheer up, or move on, children may learn that emotions are uncomfortable for others and should be hidden.