Why we all need more emotional safety - Dandelion Training & Development

We often talk about being safe, we might have stairgates to stop children falling down the stairs, signage on doors, or risk assessments to reduce the chance of accidents, or even routines in place to ensure that people are not left alone.

However, we less often talk about emotional safety, and the powerful force it plays in allowing people to feel able to physically and mentally feel able to relax.

Emotional safety relates to feeling safe, respected and validated. The sense that I am seen, heard and someone wants to understand me. In an environment where someone feels emotionally safe they are able to show up as themselves, feeling able to express their needs, safe in the space that it is met with curiosity. Emotional safety is a principle of trust, security and deeper connections.

Every child we meet is hoping that the adult in front of them is able to meet them with care and connection, that their voice can be heard and underneath every adult is a scared 8 year old child desperate to know that they are not a nuisance and that someone wants to hear their voice.

When working with children, they co-regulate from our central nervous system, systematically hijacking our regulation system. When we are calm and regulated, children gravitate towards us, when we are dysregulated, agitated and irritable (short, harsh tone, dominating) they move away from it, or escalate in response to it.

So, how do we create emotional safety?

Emotional safety begins with how we show up:
* Do we have a calm tone of voice?
* Do children receive predictable responses from us?
* Are we able to use slower movements to create safety?
* Are you relaxing your posture and using warm facial expressions?
* Are you standing over them, or getting down to their physical level?

When a child is dysregulated, they don’t need us to meet them with logic and fact, they need regulation and our posture, movements and tone are automatically read as safe or unsafe.

Be consistent and predictable. Having clear expectations and predictable, steady responses reduce anxiety and hypervigilance in children and allows their nervous system to stay in neutral. Showing up consistently, so that children know what will happen allows safety. This begins with thinking about how we want to show up as an adult, do you want children to be honest and bring anything to you so that you can help? Regulate first so that they know even if its bad they are being met with curiosity.

Repair after rupture. Many of us did not grow up seeing adults demonstrate accountability and repair, but if we want to see that from children we need to role model it. Apologise, reconnect and model healthy conflict resolution when things go wrong. Safety grows through repair and children knowing that you are both having to take responsibility, repair means that I took accountability and am addressing the issue consistently.

Validate feelings (while holding boundaries). Validating does not mean agreeing, it means that I can understand your side. All feelings are allowed and even if they do not match yours, it does not mean that they are wrong. However, not all behaviours are ok and some will have natural consequences applied to them. However, we should never punish feelings as it teaches shame and can prevent children expressing how they feel and internalising what is happening to them.

Deliver firm but warm boundaries. Children need boundaries, they create safety. If I know what is happening, what is expected and the rules that keep me safe I am able to relax. Calm containment feels safe. However, reactive discipline feels threatening and creates unsafe expereiences and leaves children in fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode. Boundaries need to be consistent and explained. They should not keep moving.

Build emotional literacy. Supporting children to develop emotional literacy skills by guiding children to develop the skills and knowledge to name, understand and express feelings safely builds confidence and safety.

Create belonging. Support children to feel seen, accepted and valued without needing to perform or mask.

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

For more articles about mental health visit – ARTICLES

To learn more about child and adolescent mental health visit – COURSES

For resources to support child and adolescent mental health visit –RESOURCES