Attachment Styles and Conflict – Dandelion Training & Development

Attachment theory is a psychological theory, developed by John Bowlby (1977), that looks at the connections and relationships between humans. Attachments are those deep emotional bonds that we develop with another person, where we feel secure and close with them. In attachment theory, we examine the relationship between children and their parents, and the way that a parent responds to children’s needs. Bowlby suggested that all children are biologically programmed to form attachments with others, and that these attachments help them to survive. For instance, children use behaviours such as distress, clinging or protest to seek help and connections with parents. When parents respond positively, sensitively and appropriately to a child’s needs they are offered opportunity to develop healthy attachments. We explored the attachments in more detail here.

Attachment types

The early experience that children have of their caregivers’ responsiveness to their distress, and the levels of comfort or security that they gain from this, shapes attachment styles into one of four types;

Secure
Insecure-anxious/ambivalent
Insecure-avoidant
Disorganised-disorientated.

Something that I want to review, is how our attachment styles can affect our conflict resolution styles. It must be noted that this is not a one size fits all approach, and that we can work on our attachment styles and develop new coping strategies, so the purpose of this article is not diagnosis but to develop our own curiosity.

Secure – Someone with a secure attachment style, has the belief that they are supported, encouraged and safe They are encouraged to try things and develop autonomy, whilst simultaneously know that should something go wrong they have a support network to help them afterwards.

In arguments or conflict, they often have the ability to separate the problem from the person, and therefore focus on problem solving and understanding, seeking to understand the perspectives and bigger pictures with constructive communication.

Anxious – Someone with an anxious attachment is overly dependent on others, not trusting that they can cope with things alone. They have learnt to up regulate their behaviours (scream, shout, yell, react) in order to bring people to them to save them if they are in trouble. They lack a sense of internal safety and believe that they need to have someone with them constantly to cope.

In arguments or conflict, they can find themselves either people pleasing and trying to make things better so that the other person does not leave, seeking to reduce the conflict so that they are not left alone. Or, upregulating, struggling to listen to the other perspective and becoming overwhelming or clingy of the other person as they are fearful that they will leave. This can mean it is difficult to listen to both perspectives as they are dependent on the other person liking them and staying. This can mean that they do not listen to the other person, making promises that they are not sure of in order to prevent the conflict.

Avoidant – Someone with an avoidant attachment has learnt that they are not supported emotionally and therefore has developed hyperindependence as a safety response. They do not lean on, or trust others to help them as they have learnt that people cannot be relied upon. Therefore, they learn to down-regulate their feelings in order to protect themselves, as they have no belief that others will help them.

In arguments or conflict, they can find themselves suppressing or downplaying their reactions, not wishing to show their vulnerabilities. They do not want to become entrenched in the other person’s feelings and may want to remove themselves or escape the conflict in order to return to safety or a neutral space to regulate. This can appear like they do not care, or are rejecting the other person, but the lack of support they received to explore challenge as a child means that they often struggle to express their needs as they have never been heard so remove themselves by creating distance.

Disorganised – Someone with a disorganised attachment has experienced low quality, neglectful or abusive care which left them in a state of internal chaos. A child with a disorganised attachment experiences disorientated behaviours whereby, they are unable to express their distress or resolve their upset. They desperately crave connection but are also terrified of it.

In arguments or conflict, they can find themselves in conflict, wanting to both hold onto the person but also push them away in order to keep themselves safe. This can create a chaotic interchange where when things feel like they are nearing resolution, can suddenly detour back to challenge as the individual struggles to regulate and manage their internal war. They may shut down, struggle to express their feelings constructively or become overwhelmed or try and escape to avoid the conflict.

Learning what our go to response is when we are stressed can support us in the first steps to becoming more curious about how we react and identifying the areas that we may want to work on, or seek support with. Attachment styles are not fixed, and with appropriate support and time we can work to develop the ability to feel safe and express our needs in positive ways.

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

For more articles about mental health visit – ARTICLES

To learn more about child and adolescent mental health visit – COURSES

For resources to support child and adolescent mental health visit –RESOURCES