The Damage of the Silent Treatment - Dandelion Training & Development

The silent treatment is a punishment that many have experienced in their lifetimes, but it has only been in recent years that we have begun to understand the impact of it on children’s brain development (and latter adult’s emotional experiences).

The silent treatment refers to the refusal to speak to someone which moves from a spectrum of refusal to talk due to stubbornness, to the use of silence to manipulate others as a form of emotional abuse. When used in the latter, the silent treatment is utilised to coerce, manipulate or control someone else by making them so anxious or fearful that they will ‘give in’ to them through desperation to be spoken to again.

The silent treatment has multiple purposes:

To punish someone for their thoughts, feelings or actions and make them feel unimportant
To manipulate someone to agree to what they want
To coerce someone to their way of thinking, decisions or behaviours
To control another person to chase them and apologise
Express disapproval
Express distaste
Express dissatisfaction

The silent treatment is deliberate and intentional, wanting to gain control of a situation by creating fear, panic, desperation or isolation in the other person. It aims to seek control.

Note, we should not confuse the silent treatment with someone who enters a freeze response in conflict and physically cannot speak as their body has shut down due to the perceived threat. The silent treatment is used intentionally, whether known or as a learnt behaviour seeking to change or control someone else’s behaviour. A freeze response is a physiological reaction and renders the individual unable to communicate.

What does the silent treatment look like?

It is important to differentiate, that the silent treatment is not someone being at work and unable to reply to a text message, or their phone dying and being unable to return a call, or not hearing you when you call out from upstairs. The silent treatment is an intentional act, demonstrated in actions such as:

Leaving the room when you try and speak to them
Going hours, days or weeks intentionally not talking to you
Acting as though nothing is wrong and then intentionally doing things to get a reaction
Ignoring communication in person or electronically
Talking to others in front of you, but ignoring you
You are anxious about talking to them, uncertain of the reaction
You feel guilt or shame after interactions, but simultaneously know you did nothing wrong
You feel like you need to give in to get them to talk to you again
Ignoring a child cries, screams or interactions
With-holding affection to punish behaviour or emotions
Excluding a child from a conversation
Ignoring a child’s cues or requests for help
Using silent treatment to teach a child ‘a lesson’ or make a point

What is the silent treatment cycle?

In the silent treatment cycle, there are key steps that occur:

A trigger – an event or conversation where there is a disagreement, conflict or crticism or complaint.
Punishment – the perpetrator uses withdrawn communication to punish the other person for their reaction to the trigger to control the situation or seek to control them to agree with them
Response – the person on the receiving end of the silence feels confusion, panic, fear, anxiety, distress or powerless and desperately wants the silence to end to feel connected again.
Give in – the person will give in, apologise or agree with the punisher to end the silence and regain a connection.
Repeat – the cycle repeats, but the conflict is not resolved, overtime this causes damage and hypervigilant.

What damage does the silent treatment do?

The damage of the silent treatment is both relational but also physiological.

Relationally:

The silent treatment breaks down connections, leading to a loss of trust or respect.
The silent treatment can lead to confusion, self-doubt and questioning everything you say or do, worried about potential reactions. This means that children can avoid saying how they actually feel.
The silent treatment teaches a lesson ‘you are not even worth me talking to you’ but it does not teach them the issue you are trying to, in fact, they very often do not know what you are giving them silence about as there is no communication.
The silent treatment teaches children that if there is conflict or challenge with someone, they can just ignore / get rid of them rather than learn conflict resolution skills and positive communication skills.

Physiologically:

When someone gives you the silent treatment, your sympathetic nervous system (fight-flight-freeze-fawn) recognises that our relational connection is under threat.
The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, the area of our brain responsible for processing pain and negative emotions, lights up, recording the pain of the rejection as a physical context. Long term, ongoing emotional abuse can lead to elevated stress levels which can reduce the size of the hippocampus (brain area responsible for memory)
The silent treatment can leave someone hypervigilant to making mistakes or getting into trouble.
The silent treatment can create feelings of rejection, anxiety, fear, shame, worthlessness, loneliness, and confusion
Long term, ongoing emotional abuse can damage to the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for regulating emotions and decision-making, which can can impair the ability to regulate our feelings and make sound judgments.

Safeguarding:

The silent treatment can teach us to people please to try and reduce the risk to us of being ignored. However, with age, people pleasing can increase the risk of being taken advantage of.
The silent treatment throughout your childhood can become ‘normal’ reducing the chance of recognising coercive and controlling behaviours in friendships or relationships as they get older as they see these as normal too.
The silent treatment can increase risks of children or teenagers looking for anyone to talk to who gives them interaction and attention. If at home they have learnt that they are not worth the time or interaction, if they are at risk they are also less likely to come and share with a parent that they need help, increasing their vulnerability.

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

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