Why we cannot process hard things in the moment - Dandelion Training & Development

When we experience anything which is very stressful or traumatic, we can find ourselves entering a state of shock or high stress, but be surprised when weeks or months (sometimes years) later we find ourselves, or our children re-living it the event as if it was yesterday, when we believed it was in the past and processed.

Something I discuss with clients often, is that we cannot process a trauma in the centre of a trauma. Let’s look at why.

When we experience something extremely stressful, or traumatic, if it falls outside of our stress tolerance capabilities, our brain and body enter a survival response, our initial fight – flight – freeze – fawn response supports us in the immediate moment, but as this by-passes our cognitive processes, and means that we cannot process what is happening in that moment. Instead, our brain holds onto fragments of memories and feelings, which can create some initial behaviours or symptoms, but we can often misread this lower level reaction as meaning ‘we have dealt with it’. In fact, we can find that some are praised for ‘how well’ they have coped, leaving themselves in a challenging situation when safety finally appears and they feel as though they have been hit by a steam train.

In the midst of trauma, our brain structures adapt. Our amygdala, which asks ‘am I safe? am I happy?’ can become overactive, looking for threat or fear in everything around it. Whilst our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that looks at executive functioning skills such as decision making and emotional regulation can slow down and find these skills more difficult. When we experience something stressful, and it passes and life returns to safety and consistency, we can return to a state of relaxation. However, where we find ourselves in ongoing stress or trauma our nervous system can become stuck in its sympathetic nervous system leaving it in survival mode.

Survival mode is there to support us, with the brain using this action to keep us safe, however, we are not meant to live here. In survival mode, our central nervous system is activated and this means that it can only focus on existing. It creates:

Alertness for danger
Reduction in emotions to support safety
Increased stress (cortisol) release to keep us vigilant

However, when we stay in this space, whether it is because we are caught in a stressful or traumatic situation, we can find ourselves with physical and emotional symptoms:

Sleep disturbances
Difficulty relaxing
Difficulty feeling safe
Emotional numbness, detachment or dissociation
Emotional dysregulation
Impulsive decision making
Tension, increased heart rate or breathing

To process trauma, we need to be safe both emotionally and physically. In a threat, the aftermath of stress or trauma we simply cannot feel safe. For those who live in abusive, volatile or chaotic homes this can mean that they remain in survival mode for years. A safe environment means one where we feel emotionally supported, validated and protected, offering us opportunity to work through and process the feelings associated with what we have experienced. It is important to understand that this is a space free of shame or judgement, where we can begin to connect, ground and allow our prefrontal cortex to realign to begin processing. This space will be different for everyone, and we may need to explore different environments and supports to begin that journey.

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