Does your love language alter your expectations?

Love Languages were developed by Gary Chapman (PHD) in his book ‘The 5 Love Languages’, it has since been updated numerous times and gained popularity as the years have gone on. Its purpose was to identify the different ways that people express and receive love, to develop a deeper recognition of how this influences our connections.

Chapman proposed that everyone has a primary love language that speaks to us most pertinently. To understand our love language we need to think about two things; firstly how we express affection to others, and the second if how we respond to affection from others.

There are five different types of love language, it should be noted that just because you have a preference does not mean you will not respond to others, but you may have something you are dominantly attracted to, and that you notice your own children do as well.

Acts of Service – You are always identifying ways to do things for others or to help them or you deeply appreciate when others do things for you

Gifts – You show others that you love them, care for them and are thinking about them through offering gifts. You enjoy receiving gifts from others and it brings you great joy

Physical Touch – You like physical touch and intimacy, expressing your love and care for others in this way and you love when others are tactile with you, appreciating physical connection

Words of Affirmation – You are inclined towards giving words of affirmation through verbal or written words and enjoy and feel deeply cared for when others are emotionally vulnerable with you

Quality Time – You make plans and find ideas of things to do with others, relishing in uninterrupted time together and you love it when others make plans for you, truly appreciating the quality time together

Love Languages and Connections

The way that we experience love languages means that our relationships are seen from different perspectives.
The person giving the love language can have a preference or dominant demonstrating love language whilst the person receiving the love language has their own primary receiving language. Sometimes, the giving and receiving language do not match, and this can create conflict.

For instance, a person who values quality time may find it difficult to understand why their child talks about gifts all the time. Or a person who values physical touch may find it difficult if their partner prefers their own space with words of affirmation. We can take for granted that everyone demonstrates love like us.

This can lead to feeling rejected or unloved because the love that we desire, is not the love that is being offered from those around us. Children as young as 9 can show a preference for a love language. We do not need to only communicate in one love language, and offering a variety is good for us, but utilising it from time to time can make someone feel more valued. Everything requires balance – if you are going over the top you may find that you are overcompensating for your own feelings – check in.

Consider

Does my child show a preference for a love language, or express that they like certain actions?

Reflect on how your child is trying to connect with you through their own love language – how do you respond?

How can you build in small actions (do not take this out of control) that feed this?

Want to learn more? 

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