Repair After Adult Mistakes - Dandelion Training & Development

A common conversation that I have with children in my coaching and therapy office, is their frustration at adults in their lives who expect them to take responsibility for their actions, and apologise when they are wrong, but do not do it themselves.

It often gets me thinking to my own childhood, and how rare it was to hear an adult own their own mistakes, poor behaviours or reactions. However, if we want to hold children and teenagers to standards of accountability and repair, we should ensure that we are comfortable doing the same.

Children need adults who can repair, not adults who are perfect

Explanations versus excuses

When we make mistakes, it is important to recognise the difference between explaining the reasons why something may have happened or gone wrong to offer context, versus making excuses for what happened. An explanation helps us understand why something happened, while an excuse avoids responsibility for the impact or the need to make things right.

Intention versus Impact

Whilst our intention may not have been to cause hurt to someone, sometimes, this is the impact that we have had. Recognising the difference between having had good intentions, and having had a negative impact is an important aspect to distinguish. We cannot and should not diffuse our responsibility or refuse to apologise simply because our intention was good. When we do this, we minimise and invalidate the impact we had on our loved ones, and this breaks down trust and emotional safety.

Stages of repair

Pause and regulate first so the conversation does not continue from a place of anger, panic or defensiveness.
Return to the conversation once both people are calm enough to listen and respond respectfully.
Acknowledge what happened without minimising, blaming or changing the subject.
Take responsibility for your part, even when both people contributed to the conflict.
Name the impact your words or actions may have had on the other person.
Offer a genuine apology that does not include excuses or a defensive “but.”
Listen to the other person’s experience with curiosity rather than trying to prove them wrong.
Clarify the unmet needs or misunderstandings beneath the conflict.
Agree on what needs to change or what each person will do differently next time.
Reconnect through reassurance, affection or shared time so the relationship feels emotionally safe again.
Follow through consistently, because repair is strengthened by changed behaviour rather than words alone.

Why does it matter?

All relationships will experience disconnection – whether it is friends, work colleagues or partners as they get older, learning to listen, take accountability, apologise with a genuine response and repair after a disagreement are fundamental skills for healthy connections.
Adults are our teachers – What we watch as children, from the adults around us, shapes our sense of ‘normal’ and this impacts our models of the world. Being around accountable adults can become both a role modelling opportunity, but also a protective factor to identify when we are around people who do not take responsibility for their actions who we may need to be cautious of.
Repair creates safety – When we do not experience repair after a conflict, we cannot return to a space of emotional safety. This means that we can continue to remain in a space of disconnect. However, in turn, a lack of repair also can feed resentment.

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

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