Has tech made our friendships too intense? - Dandelion Training & Development

Friendships are an interesting aspect of life for us to navigate. However, since technology, our friendships have adapted, but have they made us more anxious and intense in our friendships, and limited us from forming healthy connections?

When we develop friendships, there are key stages that we normally process through:

Stranger – we do not know each other
Acquaintance – we initially meet someone, we might know their name and have had some brief interactions
Casual connection – we spend more time together, have mutual interests and enjoy each others company
Close connection – trust and connection have built over time, you confide in one another and trust them with personal information, and enjoy one another’s company
Best friends – you share a deep, emotional connection, knowing you can rely on one another and share core values, with a strong moral understanding

Research has shown that it takes 50 hours to move from being a stranger to a casual connection, 90 hours to become a close connection and 200 hours to move into intimate/best friend status. This is based on shared time and experiences together, through activities, quality time and interactions where our interactions lead us to depth of conversation and emotional sharing which nurture your connections.

The consistent effort over time, and the quality time together, leads to:

Building of trust
Sense of security
Sense of connection
Builds lasting memories
Increases familiarity
Strengthens mutual understanding
Sense of support
Enhanced communication

Pre the internet and mobile phone explosion, this process took a great deal of time, and gave us pace. This meant that we had to trust that our friends were our friends, even when we did not see each other. The spaces between when we saw each other and could talk, meant that we were regulated, and learnt how to navigate the effort we needed to make to build connections. This developed meaningful connections as face to face interactions lend themselves to emotional depth and the presence of a person, body language and interaction created security in our friendships.

So, how did technology affect this?

Technology brought with it some benefits to friendships:

Enhanced opportunity to communicate
Accessibility
Finding more likeminded people, with similar interests
Greater opportunities to share interests and experiences
Broadens the scope of friendships as we can make friends over a greater radius
A wider range of ways to stay in contact

However, the overuse of technology in our friendships can also have negative effects:

Less requirement for face to face connections – The use of tech means that we have less face to face interactions. This in turn affects our ability to read body language, make eye contact and this reduces the emotional depth of interactions
Overthinking interactions – When communication is formulated online, we can find ourselves overanalysing and thinking interactions as they are not supported with facial expressions, body languages or eye contact. This means that we lack the experiences of seeing words and actions match, build trust through experiences and memories which can enhance our depth of understanding of people.
Less emotional depth – Where friendships are formed through games and apps like snapchat, they can develop into shallow interactions, which do not form trust and connection reducing the intimacy required for higher levels of friendships.
Less bonding – Research has shown that where face to face interactions are not used, there is less emotional bonding compared to texting or messaging.
Reduced social skills – Online communication reduces our social skills, such as turn taking, active listening, reading body language and social cues and developing eye contact which means that we can find it harder to translate into real life, as we are used to relying on tech based communication formats.
Perception of connections – Technology allows us to stay in touch more easily, however it can also affect our perception of connections, as we are not matching words and actions, and learning how to trust in real life. This can mean that we are under a perception someone is a good friend, but in real time, we are not checking that they are trustworthy.
Increased reactivity – Where communication is reliant on texts and online interactions, the lack of emotional bonding and time spent together, we are not reading the impact of our words. This can make interactions more reactive and explosive, meaning we are quicker to type things that are hurtful that we would not say in real life with someone. People can also have less care about the quality of their words, and believe that their intent is ok, but the impact is hurtful.
More intense connections, without depth – Tech allows us to create intense connections, as we can stay in touch for longer and more frequently, however, without quality time and emotional interactions, these can ignite quickly, and burnout faster as they are not formed on shared experience or building memories.
Boredom in real life – Tech brings immediate gratification, and this can mean that excessive use can make real life interactions feel boring and less engaging as they take a more consistent investment of time. The instant validation created from instant responses and fast interactions, can make the slow and steady route of in person friendships feel tedious, reducing social skills and the experience of genuine connections in life.
Impatience – Tech means that hours of interactions can be built up at speed. However, it also reduces the boundaries of sharing, and identifying whether we can trust someone, as words are not equated against actions. However, this can make people impatient in real life when someone does not overshare or trust them with intimate information quickly, or they are oversharing and pushing people away as they cannot understand the social dynamics of consistency over time, instead being addicted to the speed.

So, do we stop tech?

Tech is here to stay, the world orbits around it. However, we need to think about how we support young people to develop personal interactions and friendships in real time to reduce isolation and enhance social skills needed for life and relationships.

Ensuring that we are meeting people in real life as much as we do online
Not allowing tech to be the sole base of frienships
Organising playdates or social meet ups
Attending clubs, events or socials to build social skills
Not allowing tech at the dinner table or when out for meals to enhance social skills
Role modelling social interactions to children (in real life)
Creating opportunities for young people to meet up with friends in real life
Putting boundaries around tech use and replacing it with family connections
Think about the long game – we need social skills in the workplace, in relationships and friendships, how can you enhance children’s opportunities for these

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

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