5 ways to support children with avoidant attachments - Dandelion Training & Development

Avoidant Attachment Styles

An avoidant attachments style, refers to a child who has learnt that they are not supported emotionally and therefore has developed hyper-independence as a safety response. They do not lean on, or trust others to help them as they have learnt that people cannot be relied upon. Therefore, they learn to down-regulate their feelings in order to protect themselves, as they have no belief that others will help them. A child with an avoidant attachment style is less reliant on their caregiver, and learns to internalise or down regulate their emotional responses, therefore not seeking help when in distress. The child has learnt, that in distress, their needs will be inconsistently or unpredictably met, downplayed, rejected or ridiculed.

The child will rarely make a fuss, but may occasionally explode, as huge emotions take over, before retreating in shame. This means we can get caught in a habit of praising a child with an avoidant attachment style for being so ‘independent’ or because they quietly get on without adults.

A parent who develops an insecure-avoidant attachment style with their child may:

A failure to meet a child’s needs
Inconsistent responses to a child
Have a lack of closeness
Not responding when a baby or child cries or is in distress
Actively discourages crying
No outward emotional reactions to issues or achievements
Making fun of a child’s problems
Showing annoyance if a child has a problem

Traits of children with an avoidant attachment can include:

Self-reliance
Avoid or leave conflict
Have a positive view of self
Have a negative view of others
Overly or excessively independent
Reliant on self-soothing
Remove themselves to regulate
Withdraw from others when overwhelmed

Supporting children

To support children with avoidant attachment styles, we can consider:

Support emotional literacy skills – Support children to develop their emotional literacy, through understanding the different feelings, identifying how they move and creating safe spaces to talk about them.
Be open and available – Children with avoidant attachments have learnt that they cannot trust adults to be responsive and supportive of their needs and feelings. This means that they withdraw from others, avoiding connections. Children need strong role modelling to support them to develop coping skills, understand how to respond to their own needs, as well as see how to navigate conflict and challenges constructively, so that they do not need to avoid them. This includes seeing adults take responsibility for their own behaviours, apologise and make changes, as well as repair and reconnect after conflict or disagreements to support them to understand that when things go wrong we can put them right and this does not mean that we will be abandoned. In addition, it is vital that children learn how to take responsibility when things go wrong, by watching adults do the same things.
Keep your word – Children with avoidant attachments do not believe that adults will keep their word. Being consistent with making promises and following through, thinking about the words that we use and thinking about how we show up in their worlds is vital. Showing them that our word can be heard and believed, and that we will do what we said we would becomes a core part of their understanding that adults are trustworthy and can hold space for them.
Create consistency and predictability – Avoidant attachments are created through inconsistency, whether this is through physical or emotional presence. Developing a predictable and consistent daily routine in which the child can be sure of what is happening next, along with developing core predictable reactions to situations allows the child to begin to trust that they are safe and can cope. Consistent routines and responses allow children’s brains to feel safe as they always know what is coming next.
Be responsive – When a child has an avoidant attachment they have experienced inconsistent responses, whereby at times, they have felt that they are required to ‘suppress’ their feelings as they cannot trust adults can support them. Developing a greater awareness of children’s behaviours and cues to their vulnerability can allow us to be more responsive and support them to navigate obstacles so that they build confidence in their connections as well as themselves. This can include having consistent rules and boundaries, responding consistently and recognising when they need emotional support or encouragement to try things.

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

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Further help

For more articles about mental health visit – ARTICLES

To learn more about child and adolescent mental health visit – COURSES

For resources to support child and adolescent mental health visit –RESOURCES