Should we stop praising independence? – Dandelion Training & Development

If you attended the Dandelion Conference in April 2024, you will have heard my presentation about attachment styles and the expression of feelings. The role of attachments, is something I am hugely passionate about as it influences so many aspects of our perception of child behaviour and feelings.

Attachment theory was first proposed by Bowlby, a psychoanalyst. He believed that mental health and behavioural problems are linked with early childhood experiences. Bowlby believed that children are biologically programmed to form attachments with others, and that these attachments help them to survive, with our first 5 years being paramount. Early interactions between child and parent, are considered to shape our neural pathways for later socio-emotional regulation.

Our attachments are broken into 4 types:

Secure attachments
Anxious attachments
Avoidant attachments
Disorganised-Disorientated attachments

Please note that the following descriptions are brief and not a full picture of all signs that can be related to each attachment:

In a secure attachment, a child has the balance of encouragement to try things and stretch their comfort zone, whilst having a deep sense of trust that their parent or carer is there to support and encourage them.

In an anxious attachment, a child has a deep sense that ‘I cannot cope alone’ created by either helicopter parenting, anxious parenting or inconsistent parenting. This parenting style may not be intentional, but creates a nature where a child will escalate their behaviours or expression of communication to draw a parent to them.

In an avoidant attachment, emotionally unavailable parenting creates a child who does not trust their feelings can be supported effectively and so they develop a belief ‘I have to do it alone’ and becoming fiercely hyper-independent.

In a disorganised attachment, children have received neglectful or abusive parenting and this leaves them in internal chaos in which they may struggle with boundaries, limits, connections and emotional expression, these often being out of context with the situation.

Avoidant Children in the Classroom

I want to focus on children with an avoidant attachment style, to consider how we may view them in the classroom. The fiercely independent trait that comes with avoidant children means that they have learnt to:

Suppress their feelings
Rely on themselves
Does everything for themselves, struggling to accept help
Can disconnect with others to keep safe
Suppressing any vulnerability
Can be task orientated, not focusing on social connections
Preferring to learn on their own, disliking group work
Focusing on topics they like so that they do not need to ask for help

This means, that in the classroom a child with an avoidant attachment can look like the ‘perfect’ student. They are unlikely to express any big feelings in school, and often reserve these for the privacy of home. They do not seek constant help from staff or students, they do not react emotionally to things in public and will get on and do things for themselves. Whilst occasionally they may express big feelings or frustration these are embedded in shame and can mean that they further focus on being task orientated and being independent afterwards. This in many situations can make them vulnerable. Firstly, a child who is hyper-independent and not consistently seeking emotional support can come across as being more ‘mature’ and committed to their studies, when in reality they are a duck on a pond, looking serene whilst internally their needs are not being met. Secondly, we can lose sight of their emotional needs as they perform and meet expectations. Thirdly, they can blend into the background as they are not up-regulating in the same way that a child with an anxious attachment can. Lastly, if we praise their independence and perceived maturity, we can find that we embed that the suppression of their feelings or struggle to seek help embeds even further making it even harder to ask for help if they need it.

Thinking about support

Some first steps to supporting children include:

Create a safe environment
Creating safe spaces to connect with a trusted adult
Supporting emotional literacy and expression
Validate feelings that are expressed
Practice active listening
Modelling expressing needs and feelings
Having consistent boundaries
Thinking about what we praise such as traits rather than just outcomes
Encouraging and nurturing connections
Being joyful and optimistic

Want to learn more?

Would you like to deliver emotional literacy interventions in your work? Our Level 3 Emotional Literacy Mentor qualification takes you through the theory and practice to deliver emotional literacy support for children aged 3-12 years. You can start today by joining (click here)

Are you looking for a deeper understanding of child mental health? Our Level 4 Child and Adolescent Mental Health Coaching Diploma takes you into an in depth dive of child mental health and how you can support. You can join our Level 4 training (here).

Further help

For more articles about mental health visit – ARTICLES

To learn more about child and adolescent mental health visit – COURSES

For resources to support child and adolescent mental health visit –RESOURCES